“Silence and withdrawal from mainstream conversations gave me a fleeting sense of safety, but my discomfort grew to the point that I had to speak up again….”
Margaret ochieng
I was oscillating between trying to make my voice heard and going into invisible silence in a bid to survive. When I spoke I often felt like I was met with very subtle condescending attitudes, which I couldn’t exactly put a finger on or even challenge, leaving me questioning my sanity.
Silence and withdrawal from mainstream conversations gave me a fleeting sense of safety, but my discomfort grew to the point that I had to speak up again at times. After years of hearing people openly or subtly question my abilities, my personality and my character, I begun to question these aspects of my being too. Then followed the confusion and the loss of confidence. Then I just wanted to disappear and become invisible and for a while this was how I could describe my situation. For a while, I even learnt to play dumb to survive a particular role. I felt like my intelligence and abilities were more of a liability than a strength in the world that I found myself in.
What I wish I had at this point was some honest conversations with other Black women who had been here longer than me, to help me make sense of these experiences. I wish I had known where or how to find help.