“I decided that no longer would I continue to put unnecessary levels of stress and expectation on myself. No longer would I let others cause me to discredit my own achievements and reminded myself that I am indeed badass”
DIONNE AMOO
The pandemic has been difficult for nearly everyone but I could have never expected it to impact me the way it did. The best way I can describe this period is unsettling. I’ve always been in control of most areas of my life but covid robbed me of that (which was a blessing in disguise).
I found myself reliving a number of underlying pains that I had unconsciously kept buried in order to protect my sanity. Worsened by lockdown, school closures and the pressure of home schooling; my mental strength officially diminished. Instead to taking a step back to address the impact of these new stressors, I ignored these festering feelings, put my big girl shoes on and carried on as normal.
Let me take it back to 1 October 2019. I found myself in a new position at work after returning from a long maternity after having my second daughter. I was super excited to take on a new challenge, because I had long outgrown my previous position. I came back to work motivated, enthusiastic and ready to kick arse. I work in a male dominated industry, so being elevated into a more senior position definitely added some additional pressure, but having such a brilliant team behind me and a supportive senior manager (who also happened to be a woman), eased much of this for me.
Where things became tricky was when others around me began to show signs of questioning my ability. Within a short period of time, the doubts that others felt begun to seep into my own mental. The self-doubt I was feeling became overwhelming. Instead of questioning why I had allowed other people’s feelings and behaviours to have such a negative impact on me, I just continued in vain, hoping that either they would stop, or I would be become stronger.
As you probably guessed, neither happened! Instead I had a break down and had to take some time out. This was a first for me. I was rocked to the core because I had until this point, maintained an unbreakable persona. In reality, the situation had unearthed my underlying feelings of self-doubt. However, this situation turned out to be a blessing as I alluded to earlier. I hadn’t quite realised just how much I needed this time out to gain some perspective on what was happening and why.
My time of self-reflection gave me a completely new outlook. Yes, I could have just left the toxic environment, but I refused to be pushed out. I decided that no longer would I continue to put unnecessary levels of stress and expectation on myself. No longer would I let others cause me to discredit my own achievements and the fact that I am indeed badass. No longer would I try to strive for perfection because I am only human and perfection doesn’t actually exist.
I set new objectives for myself:
- I will be realistic with what I can and should be trying to achieve
- I am my own competition and bettering myself will always take prime place
- I will set unnegotiable boundaries to protect my mental health
- I will believe in myself and my successes – I’m not an affirmative action tick box, I have worked hard and deserve my success
- I will continue my daily affirmations and meditation to stay mentally strong
- I won’t let negative and intrusive thoughts enter my psyche
- I will forever remember that I am only human and am not alone in this experience. Some of the greats have also experienced IS. Maya Angelou once said “I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out”
Most of us will experience self-doubt at some point in our lives. It’s what we do with it, how we cope with it, that means the difference between struggling chronically and letting it go fairly quickly. Always remember to take time out to give yourself a chance to understand why you have your doubts and you will be more likely to successfully overcome them.